An Angel Never Dies

Today is my due date...April 27th, 2011 Today I should be holding my brand new baby boy or girl, I should be anxiously waiting to tell Jake what 'it' is since he wasn't able to be home for the birth, I should be introducing T and S to their newest sibling. I should be looking into those little blue eyes and thinking this is Heaven. I should be seeing who they resemble the most, wondering what they're gonna look like as they get older. I should be telling everyone the name, how much they weighed, compare it to my other chunky babies, I should be starting to breastfeed again, changing newborn diapers, pulling out the sleepers and onesies. But I'm not... Instead it's just another day, no one even knows.

If I was seeing a counselor, they'd probably say something about living for the future and moving on from the past. I still shouldn't be thinking of the 'should haves, would haves or could haves'. I know this, but my heart still feels this way...Hallmark should make cards for times like these. They could say "Remembering Estimated Due Dates" they'd be blue, pink, yellow, or green with shooting stars, moons, and rainbows and say things like "Today probably hurts more than childbirth, I'm sorry."

We were due to meet today, The pain I feel, I cannot say. I would of loved to hold you tight, and cuddle you to sleep at night. Instead I'll hold you in my heart, and from there you'll not depart.

An Angel Never Dies

Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,

That something stopped my heart

I felt each tender squeeze you gave,

I’ve loved you from the start.

Although my body you can’t hold

It doesn’t mean I’m gone

This world was worthy, not of me

God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,

What you are forced to face

You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,

Someday we will embrace.

You’ll hear that it was meant to be,

God doesn’t make mistakes

But that wont soften your worst blow,

Or make your heart not ache.

I’m watching over all you do,

Another child you’ll bear

Believe me when I say to you,

That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,

When you will hold my hand,

Stroke my face and kiss my lips

And then you’ll understand.

Although I’ve never breathed your air,

Or gazed into your eyes

That doesn’t mean I never was,

An Angel never dies

If I could make a living out of loving you

I was driving around town today stopping at every single place I could think of to grab a job application and this song came on. It's an oldie so naturally I just started singing along, it wasn't until mid song I realized how true it really was. "I'd be a millionaire in a week or two, I'd be doing what I love and loving what I do, If I could make a living out of loving you." Why you ask was I collecting job applications? because I am looking for a part time job. HA! But not only that... Mr and I got some pretty sudden news this week. His PTS(applicant for re enlisting for everyone that's not military) was denied. He is an FC and they are overmanned by about 15%. Neither of us were expecting that at all...We had been discussing the pros and cons of staying in versus getting out, but we never thought we would be forced out. To say the least we were both pretty shocked. What if we had wanted to make this a career?? So much for job stability. I'm still having a hard time wrapping my brain around all of this because more than likely we were going to re enlist for 4 more years and than get out. 4 more years would have put both T and S in school and I wouldn't feel obligated to stay at home vs get a full time job. We could have had more time to save, etc. Now we have about 8 months until we're civilians again. I am was so proud to be a Navy wife, be part of a military family, to go places, do things most people would never get to do. Mr gave 6 years of his life and now they're telling him 'we don't need you anymore' Kind of makes it hard to care about one's job when they're just giving you the boot. It would be different if Mr was not good at his job, or was lazy, or just didn't care, but he is in charge of his area, he has made 2nd class in less than 2 years, he is a hard worker, and there are a lot of people that count on him. I just don't understand how they can do this... It makes me mad..we were suppose to be a family, look out for one another. The Navy is suppose to take care of their sailors, but they're telling my hard working husband that they just don't care if he sticks around or not. It's a slap in the face for both of us. Sure, he can always cross rate, but it will be lowering himself. Mr has the 2nd highest job in the Navy and why would we want to cross rate to stay in when they clearly don't want him. It makes me angry for him. He has given his efforts, his hard work, and most importantly his time. If I were to count up how long he has been away from his family, deployments and underways included it would probably be close to 3 years. 36 months that he has been away from his family. And after all that, he just isn't needed anymore. So we are busy looking into the near future and praying that we will be okay.

Deployment #3

Blah....That is probably the best word at the moment to describe how I am feeling. I hate having Mr gone. This is gonna be short and to the point cause I don't really feel like writing much, but here are some pictures from our last few days out there.

I miss him so much already and we're only on day 3. ugh.

Military Childrn

April is the Month of the Military Child. Deployments and serving in the military is tough on the service member and the spouse, but it's equally as hard (if not harder) on the service member's children. The military life is a life of frequent moves, changing schools, new houses, leaving friends and meeting new ones. Although T and S are not in school and probably won't remember too much of San Diego Mr has been gone one whole year out of T's 3 years. That is a lot already...for 3 short years and to have 1 whole year gone. Now T won't remember any of that because he was too little, but the Mr sure does. He missed everything: Crawling, first foods, first words, standing, walking. Imagine leaving for deployment with your baby not even crawling yet and than coming home from deployment and having your little guy walk down the pier to you, cause that's exactly how it happened. This will be Mr's first deployment since S was born. I am so glad he was home for all of her firsts. and hopefully this will be his last deployment for awhile....anyways my point of this was that our children serve right along with Mr. Military children might need more support, guidance, and comfort than civilian children. They go from having both parents to one parent in a day. April is the month for military children so if you know any let them know how much you are proud of them for serving our country too!

Can't really see T, but Mr is right above us (@2:00)

First deployment: T is almost 6 months (T and his friend W) Homecoming!! T is one (T and his friend W)

Homecoming!!

Milspouse Friday Fill-in

1) What romance movie scene reminds you of your s/o or spouse and the LOVE you share?

Probably Bio Dome!!! I know we're not the most sappy/romantic couple, but we both love this movie, can quote if line for line (even though I'm better! ;) ), and we crack up everytime we watch it!

2) If you were allowed to deploy with your husband to a war zone would you and why?

No, I would love to go with him, but I could never leave the babies and I would not have the slightest idea what to do on the boat so it would probably be best to just let him do his job and keep the distractions away.

3) Have you ever done anything (intentionally, or unintentionally) to embarrass your spouse/significant other in front of his military cohorts?

Heck no!! I would never embarrass him by choice, I don't think I've ever done it unintentionally either. He might lose his respect and that's something I would never take from him on purpose.

4) What is your most irrational fear?

I don't think it's really an irrational fear, but I have a fear of something happening to my children as I'm sure most mothers do.

5) If you could only live in one kind of climate for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?

warm, warm, warm!! I love the heat!!! I would only like two cold days of the year though, Christmas eve and Christmas Day! It can be cold and snowing both those days and I would love it and than once it's over please be about 80 again! Thanks.

Day 5

Day 5: Your Job

I am a doctor, a nurse, a ring leader, a nanny, a referee, a judge, a photographer, a story teller, a painter, a cook, a milk maid, a house keeper, a hair dresser, an accountant, a secretary, a teacher, a crafter, a blogger, but most importantly a wife and a mommy.

Last picture for awhile

This is the last picture of the 3 of them together until the end of the year.... T and S are going to miss the Mr so very much. We all had such a fun week with him in town and now today he had to leave to fly back to San Diego. This was the last time Mr got to hug T and kiss all over S til Christmas. =( My heart just breaks for them and they don't even realize what is happening.

We miss you already daddy! Come home soon and safe. Love you, T and S