dun dun dun

Well it has finally happened....I had a breakdown at Sophie's first birthday party today. I thought I had been doing really well here lately. I was able to talk about baby Reese without crying or getting depressed. I've been able to tell people that Jake and I were pregnant last month, but sadly lost the baby...with NO tears shed. Today a girl was coming to the party that was pregnant and as soon as she got there it was all talk about finding out, how far along she was, baby showers. I just couldn't take it any longer. I had to make my escape to the bathroom to bawl my eyes out. Now, I really am happy for the girl, this is her first so its a very exciting time, I'm not jealous, I don't wish she'd have a miscarriage, and I really don't mind talking about baby talk....but it should be my baby talk. It should be my baby shower, it should be my belly that is beginning to swell, my morning sickness that is making me throw up, my baby that I'll never get to hold. And honestly it wasn't anyone's fault that I couldn't take it, they were being respectful of my situation by not talking about it and I was relieved, but also a big upset that I was taking away from this girls excitement and joy to talk about her new baby. Ya wanna know the kicker to the whole thing....she's due April 29th, just 2 days after my due date. She'll be holding her new sweet baby come May and I will be empty handed. I should be about 8.5 weeks now, just getting over the bloat, starting to show (since this is my 3rd) but instead I want to suck the life out of every pregnant woman I see. And now I feel like I'm back to square 1 again, I feel alone, depressed, and just plainly pissed off cause I don't have that life growing inside of me. Jake is helping me out tremendously, but he doesn't understand. He seems over it, for lack of a better term. I know he was/is upset, but he isn't dwelling on it, he doesn't think about it everyday. I know this is all totally normal to be feeling for me, but I feel so gosh darn alone. No one is here beside me reveling in my grief everyone has just moved on. And it really sucks.