Reese

What can I say...a lot has happened since I posted last. Funny how my posts always start like that. This one however, is much different. I'm different, I've changed. I no longer feel whole. I feel a big empty place in my heart, my soul that I never noticed was there until last week. Most of you know, but for those that don't here is my story.

August 20th, 2010 I took a pregnancy test...I already knew it was positive before those 2 beautiful lines appeared. A week before that I kept smelling everything, kept gagging, I got car sick, I even told Kari & Jake "I'm pregnant, I know I am" so Jake sent me to get some tests and sure enough. I was ecstatic, we weren't trying, but everyone who knows me knew I wanted to be pregnant again! I thought Jake would be a bit upset, not disappointed but upset since we weren't trying and there hadn't been time to plan for this one. Much to my complete surprise he was just as excited as I was! He said that Tyler had been a surprise and since he was our first he was scared out of his mind, he said that with Storie he wasn't ready for another baby yet, but I had practically forced him ;) cause of my over whelming baby fever and ticking clock. But this sweet little surprise was very welcome, because it was just that a surprise. We talked about having a boy or another girl and decided that this one would be a surprise until birth! I was beyond words. Already looking at car seats, vans, beds I was getting use to the idea of 3 kiddos under 3.5
WOW! We were in for it, huh!
but than Sunday afternoon (8.29.10) I started spotting a bit. I wasn't too worried at first, I mean come on I just had 2 healthy full term normal pregnancies/babies. Who has a miscarriage on the 3rd baby. It never even crossed my mind. By early Monday morning I was peeing a little more blood. So we went to the ER. Had my HCG levels tested,(681) they were where they should have been, had an ultrasound done, they found the sac but no baby...but I mean I was only almost 6 weeks, it was very normal for it not to be there yet. The Doctors at Grossmont Hospital were so nice and so positive it wasn't until I started passing blood clots that I KNEW with certainty that I was no longer pregnant. I cried to Jake as soon as I was back in the room telling him we had lost the baby, but still the Dr.s remained optimistic that I was still okay, I had just been laying down and all the blood had pooled so of course it would coagulate and clot together. I carried a shimmer of hope home with us when we left, but not much for in my heart I really knew that our baby had passed on. We waited at home for 2 agonizing days until Wednesday came and I went to recheck my HCG levels again. I got the phone call that I had dreaded since Monday morning. My levels were down to 156 and that I was indeed miscarrying. My heart sank, I couldn't breath, I couldn't speak I just sat on the couch and cried into Jake's shoulders. We decided to name the baby Reese. I couldn't keep referring to this precious baby as an 'it'. Over the past week I have cried, talked about the baby, smiled, laughed, cried more, and Jake and I got tattooed. We have tattoos for everything why wouldn't we get a tattoo for our baby I held in my womb for 6 dear weeks. (I'll post pictures later)

At first I felt stupid about the whole thing, why am I making this big of a deal out of it, I was only 6 weeks never heard the heartbeat, never felt those little kicks, never gave birth. I mean I didn't know him/her like I did Ty & Storie, but still I cried. But than I came to realize that since Friday the 20th when I saw those 2 pink lines that I had a third baby on the way. Those lines meant that my love had grown even though I never knew this baby I loved him, loved him enough to give my life for him even though I had yet to meet him. That's how I knew he was just as special as my other babies. My mom lost my older brother when he was 6 years old and when I became a mom myself I realized just how hard that would be, until this happened I didn't understand how much it hurt, and how much it would continue to hurt weeks, months, years after. I know I will never be the same person again. I will never get upset when I am awoken at 2 am by my crying daughter, I won't take playing trains with Ty for granted. I think what hurts the most is that looking at Tyler and Storie I feel sad that I will never know this child, sad that I will never get to play or love on this baby. I won't get to nurse him to sleep. I am okay with the fact that Reese is gone. I would never want him to suffer or be in pain or have some awful disease just to ease my pain. I know that God needed him more up in Heaven than I do down here and I will get to see him again someday soon. I look forward to that very much. I am also comforted by the fact that my older brother, Nathan is watching over him for me until I can be there to do my job as his mother. I am so thankful that God chose me for those 6 weeks to hold my baby in my womb and love him unconditionally even though I had no idea who he was or that I would never get to hold him. I am trying so hard to leave the 'baby making' decisions up to him. I would love another baby and I am trying to find peace that when God decides I'm ready for another baby, than he will give me one. I ask anyone that is reading this to continue to pray for me that my heart mends and that I am patient and understanding through all of this. I know that no other baby can fill Reese's spot in my heart, I just wish that this hole would mend and heal the emptiness I feel is beyond anything I have ever experienced. To the point of physical pain. I am healing everyday...Some days are better than others. And like I said before hopefully one day God will give me another baby to love like I do Tyler, Storie, and now Reese.

Just Those Few Weeks

For just those few weeks
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks,
I came to know you...
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks...
when I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams and aspirations.
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks...
It wasn't enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks..
And no "normal" person would cry all night
Over a tiny unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I??
You were just those few weeks, my little one.
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life richer
and to give me a small glimpse of eternity.

S Erling

"A thousand words can not bring you back, I know because I tried
and neither can a million tears, I know because I have cried."