Pumpkin Picking

Yesterday (9.25.10) we went to Bates Nut Farm for the 2nd year in a row to pick our family pumpkins. Just a year ago, Jake had just gotten back from deployment and Tyler was going to turn 2 and I was 35 weeks pregnant with Storie....gosh how the time flies. Here is our pictures, last year we went on a hayride & through a corn maze. This year we did good just to pick out those pumpkins. It WAS CRAZY HOT! I mean come on, its the end of September and it was at least 90 degrees. We went pumpkin picking in shorts & tshirts. Ugh. It was fun though!

and just an fyi to anyone that cares..................I GOT MY PERIOD TODAY! I am so glad that it is returning to normal and came on time so now I'm just hoping for another normal period in October and we can return to 'not trying' hah! No we're still letting God decide whens best, but we needed to wait until my period got normal again (just in case) so here's to one normal period so far!

okay back to the pictures... ;)

Tyler and a giant pumpkin

Storie and her giant pumpkin

Haff family-pumpkin picking 2010

Tyler & Storie

Mamarazzi Monday!!!

Mamarazzi Monday!!!

Time to show off all my pictures I continually take of my family!!! :) So here they are...

Yeah all 4 of her teeth!!!

taking a ride in the jeep to get the mail

Daddy & Storie cheesing it up

At the San Diego zoo for miss Sophie's 1st birthday!

Tyler & Mathew...They ALWAYS get mistaken for twins. We totally did not mean to dress them alike.

This one is technically not mine, but I feel like her 2nd momma. Miss Soph on her FIRST bday!

He told me to state specifically that this is 255lbs of weights and he does 10 reps...;) silly husband.

Jake out in the garage-working out

Hope you have enjoyed these pictures as much as I have. I love my family and I am so grateful for each and everyone of them. Happy Monday!

dun dun dun

Well it has finally happened....I had a breakdown at Sophie's first birthday party today. I thought I had been doing really well here lately. I was able to talk about baby Reese without crying or getting depressed. I've been able to tell people that Jake and I were pregnant last month, but sadly lost the baby...with NO tears shed. Today a girl was coming to the party that was pregnant and as soon as she got there it was all talk about finding out, how far along she was, baby showers. I just couldn't take it any longer. I had to make my escape to the bathroom to bawl my eyes out. Now, I really am happy for the girl, this is her first so its a very exciting time, I'm not jealous, I don't wish she'd have a miscarriage, and I really don't mind talking about baby talk....but it should be my baby talk. It should be my baby shower, it should be my belly that is beginning to swell, my morning sickness that is making me throw up, my baby that I'll never get to hold. And honestly it wasn't anyone's fault that I couldn't take it, they were being respectful of my situation by not talking about it and I was relieved, but also a big upset that I was taking away from this girls excitement and joy to talk about her new baby. Ya wanna know the kicker to the whole thing....she's due April 29th, just 2 days after my due date. She'll be holding her new sweet baby come May and I will be empty handed. I should be about 8.5 weeks now, just getting over the bloat, starting to show (since this is my 3rd) but instead I want to suck the life out of every pregnant woman I see. And now I feel like I'm back to square 1 again, I feel alone, depressed, and just plainly pissed off cause I don't have that life growing inside of me. Jake is helping me out tremendously, but he doesn't understand. He seems over it, for lack of a better term. I know he was/is upset, but he isn't dwelling on it, he doesn't think about it everyday. I know this is all totally normal to be feeling for me, but I feel so gosh darn alone. No one is here beside me reveling in my grief everyone has just moved on. And it really sucks.

My ♥ Family

(I'm going to take this from a fellow blogger & friend)Thanks Alicia! So today I was reading another blog (shout out to "Diary of a Mad Navy Wife") and I realized how many friends I have made over the course of our 'military journey' Most of these new friends I have made out here in San Diego, but I'll start with my very first navy wife friend ever! Mariel & I met when our hubbies were in Dahlgren, VA for c school. There were only 3 married couples there so we bonded instantly!

This is Mariel & Oscar with me & Beau
May 2007
The married couples

We got orders to San Diego so we moved shortly after. 3 years later she flies out here to SD and meets up with me...pictures coming :)

I have met many wonderful girls out here in SD;
Kari Burris, Megan Cockrell, Maddie Kargl, Alicia Holmes, Amanda Carlson, Jen Knox, Amanda Ryans, Amber Harvey, Stacy Wallachy, Ashlee Enriquez, Bethany Long, Emily Taylor, Hollyann Bridges, Leeann Walker, Jamie Robinson, Jenny Shiber, Kelly Edylene, Jessica Foss, Kirby Denault, Stephanie Polley, Stephanie Lang....just to name a few. :D

girls I will remember for a long time to come. Here's a few pictures of our many girls nights!!!

so now after my very picture heavy post all I really want to say is that these girls have become my military family. We lean on each other, support each other, care for each other, we're just 'there' for each other. These girls are better than the best friends I could have ever imagined. Thank you for everything each one of you has done. I love you all!

another day...

Today has just been a blah day...we didn't wake up early enough to go to church, but even if we had I probably would have been called out. Storie has been my little monster here lately. These top two front teeth are killing me! She is up at least 5 times a night so I am exhausted too! Not too mention my boobs are so sore! She keeps using me as her own personal chew toy. Aaannnnddd Jake has been gone since Thursday...I know it's only been 3 whole days, but I really miss him. We've gone months without him, but these short underways are what kills me!! I hate sleeping alone at nights, I hate being a single mother, I never get any alone time, not even in the bathroom! However the point of this post was not to whine & cry, however that sounds like a good idea to me sometimes! :)
I really just wanted to take a time out while Yo Gabba Gabba is on and list 5 reasons why I love my children and my husband.

Jake:
1)he is so sexy working out & his tattoos turn me on!
2)he cuts up my meat for me
3)he always knows when something is bothering me, immediately!
4)we can quote movie lines back and forth like comebacks even from different movies at once and he always knows what I'm referring to.
5)he gave me my 2 beautiful children & 1 angel baby. I will forever be grateful for that.

Tyler:
1)this kid cracks me up EVERY day. He is so hysterical and he's only 2!!
2)he has such a helpful heart. Always trying to help others!
3)He is so honest! 'Ty are you being mean to your sister' Ty-'yeah i like being mean' LOL
4)he is ocd. I will lay one of his trains down on their side and he will get up out of bed to correct it for me. :D
5)he fills a big spot in my heart. Everyday I look at him I fall more in love with him. He is his daddy made over, but the inside is all mommy!! I love it!

Storie:
1)she is my little monster, literally. She is the complete opposite of Tyler
2)I don't think she is going to be very girly at all. :( She'd rather play with Ty's cars & trains than any doll she has.
3)She has the most innocent eyes. Big ole doe eyes!
4)She is just like her daddy, most of the time you'll find her with a glazed out of it look.
5)she is my absolute joy. I couldn't imagine life without her.

so today has been just another day....to be thankful for!

I wrestled her for a peek...you can see her top tooth coming through!

Reese

What can I say...a lot has happened since I posted last. Funny how my posts always start like that. This one however, is much different. I'm different, I've changed. I no longer feel whole. I feel a big empty place in my heart, my soul that I never noticed was there until last week. Most of you know, but for those that don't here is my story.

August 20th, 2010 I took a pregnancy test...I already knew it was positive before those 2 beautiful lines appeared. A week before that I kept smelling everything, kept gagging, I got car sick, I even told Kari & Jake "I'm pregnant, I know I am" so Jake sent me to get some tests and sure enough. I was ecstatic, we weren't trying, but everyone who knows me knew I wanted to be pregnant again! I thought Jake would be a bit upset, not disappointed but upset since we weren't trying and there hadn't been time to plan for this one. Much to my complete surprise he was just as excited as I was! He said that Tyler had been a surprise and since he was our first he was scared out of his mind, he said that with Storie he wasn't ready for another baby yet, but I had practically forced him ;) cause of my over whelming baby fever and ticking clock. But this sweet little surprise was very welcome, because it was just that a surprise. We talked about having a boy or another girl and decided that this one would be a surprise until birth! I was beyond words. Already looking at car seats, vans, beds I was getting use to the idea of 3 kiddos under 3.5
WOW! We were in for it, huh!
but than Sunday afternoon (8.29.10) I started spotting a bit. I wasn't too worried at first, I mean come on I just had 2 healthy full term normal pregnancies/babies. Who has a miscarriage on the 3rd baby. It never even crossed my mind. By early Monday morning I was peeing a little more blood. So we went to the ER. Had my HCG levels tested,(681) they were where they should have been, had an ultrasound done, they found the sac but no baby...but I mean I was only almost 6 weeks, it was very normal for it not to be there yet. The Doctors at Grossmont Hospital were so nice and so positive it wasn't until I started passing blood clots that I KNEW with certainty that I was no longer pregnant. I cried to Jake as soon as I was back in the room telling him we had lost the baby, but still the Dr.s remained optimistic that I was still okay, I had just been laying down and all the blood had pooled so of course it would coagulate and clot together. I carried a shimmer of hope home with us when we left, but not much for in my heart I really knew that our baby had passed on. We waited at home for 2 agonizing days until Wednesday came and I went to recheck my HCG levels again. I got the phone call that I had dreaded since Monday morning. My levels were down to 156 and that I was indeed miscarrying. My heart sank, I couldn't breath, I couldn't speak I just sat on the couch and cried into Jake's shoulders. We decided to name the baby Reese. I couldn't keep referring to this precious baby as an 'it'. Over the past week I have cried, talked about the baby, smiled, laughed, cried more, and Jake and I got tattooed. We have tattoos for everything why wouldn't we get a tattoo for our baby I held in my womb for 6 dear weeks. (I'll post pictures later)

At first I felt stupid about the whole thing, why am I making this big of a deal out of it, I was only 6 weeks never heard the heartbeat, never felt those little kicks, never gave birth. I mean I didn't know him/her like I did Ty & Storie, but still I cried. But than I came to realize that since Friday the 20th when I saw those 2 pink lines that I had a third baby on the way. Those lines meant that my love had grown even though I never knew this baby I loved him, loved him enough to give my life for him even though I had yet to meet him. That's how I knew he was just as special as my other babies. My mom lost my older brother when he was 6 years old and when I became a mom myself I realized just how hard that would be, until this happened I didn't understand how much it hurt, and how much it would continue to hurt weeks, months, years after. I know I will never be the same person again. I will never get upset when I am awoken at 2 am by my crying daughter, I won't take playing trains with Ty for granted. I think what hurts the most is that looking at Tyler and Storie I feel sad that I will never know this child, sad that I will never get to play or love on this baby. I won't get to nurse him to sleep. I am okay with the fact that Reese is gone. I would never want him to suffer or be in pain or have some awful disease just to ease my pain. I know that God needed him more up in Heaven than I do down here and I will get to see him again someday soon. I look forward to that very much. I am also comforted by the fact that my older brother, Nathan is watching over him for me until I can be there to do my job as his mother. I am so thankful that God chose me for those 6 weeks to hold my baby in my womb and love him unconditionally even though I had no idea who he was or that I would never get to hold him. I am trying so hard to leave the 'baby making' decisions up to him. I would love another baby and I am trying to find peace that when God decides I'm ready for another baby, than he will give me one. I ask anyone that is reading this to continue to pray for me that my heart mends and that I am patient and understanding through all of this. I know that no other baby can fill Reese's spot in my heart, I just wish that this hole would mend and heal the emptiness I feel is beyond anything I have ever experienced. To the point of physical pain. I am healing everyday...Some days are better than others. And like I said before hopefully one day God will give me another baby to love like I do Tyler, Storie, and now Reese.

Just Those Few Weeks

For just those few weeks
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks,
I came to know you...
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks...
when I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams and aspirations.
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks...
It wasn't enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks..
And no "normal" person would cry all night
Over a tiny unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I??
You were just those few weeks, my little one.
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life richer
and to give me a small glimpse of eternity.

S Erling

"A thousand words can not bring you back, I know because I tried
and neither can a million tears, I know because I have cried."

babies babies babies...

Okay I guess it is fair to say that I have baby fever, well maybe not baby fever cause technically I still have a baby, but pregnancy fever. What is wrong with me?!?! Storie is going on 7 months and I want to be pregnant again so badly it's ridiculous!
I can't help it though, call me crazy, but I LOVE being pregnant. love Love LOVE it! I love everything about it:
missing your first period
getting butterflies waiting for the lines to show up
dancing around with the positive stick in your hand
looking up names
hearing the heartbeat
having your stomach grow
finding out the sex
feeling the kicks, rolls, and hiccups
getting anxious for labor
going into labor
and than having this beautiful baby to hold forever.

It's all amazing, I am going to say this is one of God's greatest inventions! How a baby grows in a mother's stomach and is born, it's so awesome, it's crazy!

I have always wanted to be a mother. ALWAYS. Everyone is school would say lawyer, doctor, teacher, not me I never wanted to be anything other than a mom. I LOVE what I do. Here recently my good friend Jenny just graduated college, as did a lot of other people I went to HS with, but it has not bothered me in the slightest that I could have been there graduating right along with them. I'm so happy for them, but I feel like I have been blessed with so much more!

If Jake would let me, I would love to have 5 children, but he won't so I'll have to settle for having one more.....maybe it'll be twins. :D

anyways....everywhere I look there is pregnant ladies, huge bellies, bellies that are just starting to grow. It makes me insanely jealous! Maybe I should really look into becoming a surrogate.


anyways...a lot has happened since my last post. Storie is crawling, sitting up from crawling position, sitting unassisted, and we started cereal yesterday for the first time. I'll post pictures eventually. Tonight we are trying peas!! woohoo! We went home to watch Hannah graduate HS. I can not believe that we have all graduated, seems so unreal. We're all adults now. crazy. I'll have to post pictures from home too. Other than that, same ole same ole. It's already June! It has gone by so fast! Where is all this time going.......
girls night this saturday! woop woop. gotta mention that to Jake still. ;)