I still feel empty

On Thursday a good friend of mine finally had her little boy. He is adorable and weighed in at 7 lbs 12 oz. We were there at the hospital waiting for them to come out of the csection. When we got to her room, they were still cleaning the little guy up, but I figured they'd be bringing him in soon, we had to leave before I could hold him, but my arms ached to hold him so bad...is that normal? It's not like I was going to run off with him out of the hospital, they know where we live, haha. But I just felt like I had to hold him...I don't know if that would have made it better or worse. The whole time I just kept thinking 'now it's my turn' IT SHOULD BE MY TURN. I found out I was pregnant just 8 weeks after Nikki. I should have a little over a month left and it should be me in the hospital holding that new born baby....but it's not.

Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for the 2 children I already have, but it's not about them. It's about the baby that was in my belly and no longer isn't.

Gosh, it's been months now since I've lost the baby, but yet I still feel like my turn has been skipped. I don't know how long these feelings are going to last like this. I wish I could rely on the fact that there will be a next time, but I can't. That's another post in itself. I just wish someone could understand what I feel inside. I feel like I have no one to turn too that knows what I feel. The feelings of having my belly grow again, feeling the kicks for the first time, thinking of names, wondering who it will look like, geez at this point I even long for morning sickness. I'm just tired of feeling this empty inside.