Just another Goodbye.

Jake left an hour and 41 minutes ago... :( These goodbyes never seem to get easier like everyone always says, in fact they seem to get harder. The kids are getting older so they seem to know that daddy is leaving yet again. Poor Jake has to walk away only to come back to Storie walking or Tyler learning more and more. I feel so bad for all of us. It just sucks so much. I wish I could have my family together as a whole for always. I miss my husband. Watching Jake get on a plane, sail away on a boat, or just dropping him off at the pier for an underway it feels as though when he walks away my heart goes with him. It's a physical pain to where it just hurts. Like someone ripped my heart out. It's also a mental pain, I now have no one to talk too, no one to tell my day too, no one that comes home to me. Our meals suck when Jake is gone. By that I mean I am a lousy cook, HA but also that if I make a big meal there is always leftovers. It's hard to cook for 1.5 people. I think the worst part though is night time. I go to bed alone. Even if Jake and I never touch during the night I'm always comforted that he's there, beside me. I have his warmth, he lets me put my cold feet all over him! (He's the best!)

I just miss him. None of my family knows what it is like either.... I mean they get the jist of it, yeah he left again, but I should be use to it by now.... I don't think anyone really takes the time to think about what we go through EVERY time Jake leaves for an underway, for a deployment. Not knowing when I'll see him again, when I'll talk to him again, when I'll be able to email him again. It's so hard on Jake leaving and coming back to kids that are more advanced than when he left, doing new things he missed out on. It's hard on me too. I'm the one that has to explain why daddy is gone again. That daddy misses and loves them. I'm the one that has to video and photograph every little (insignificant or not) thing so daddy can see what we are up too. I'm the one that has to be the single mother keeping the kids to their schedule, trying to keep things normal, going on with life when all I want to do is cry and sleep the month away.

I guess tonight is just a pity-party for me...I'm just tired of feeling like life is passing us by while we're busy waiting on daddy. We love him so much and can't wait for the day we can be together again!

[my new tattoo]

[updated for pictures of my tattoo] I totally forgot to post pictures of our memorial tattoos for Reese so I will do that now. I wasn't even thinking about getting a tattoo and I happened to stumble upon this clip art on a miscarriage support group site and I absolutely fell in love with it. It was everything I had in my mind of what Reese would look like when he was taken so I had to have it be apart of me forever.

It says "Too beautiful for Earth" along with Reese's name on the bottom. I love it.

[sorry not the best picture quality, but it's all I've got right now]

This is Jake's tattoo for baby Reese

and this is something really special to me. http://memoriesinthesand.blogspot.com/ This is Reese's name written in the sand up at Del Mar at Camp Pendleton Marine Base. I am going to blow it up [12x18] and hang it in our room next to Tyler & Storie's beach pictures. It makes 'my heart happy' as Ty would say.

SURPRISE!

Look who came to see me today!!!!

Jake pulled in early and decided to surprise me. So he flew to San Fransisco, to Chicago, and than to St. Louis, rented a car and drove all the way home just to see us til Monday afternoon. Isn't he the best husband in the whole wide world!!!! I love him so much and I could care less how much money we had to fork over for that. I'm so thrilled to get to see him for the day 1/2. I think tonight we may drive down to Sikeston to go to the Haunted House since we've both been wanting to go! Yeah!! Love my silly husband.

Some more of my home

Just incase anyone couldn't tell, Missouri is my home. I love everything about where I live. (come from) I love how small it is, I love how I know everyone (although that gets old sometimes) I love how quiet it is. It is nothing at all like San Diego. It's kind of like a peaceful retreat coming back here after living in a humungo city. Anyways...fall is my favorite time of year. I love August-December. Love Love Love the leaves and pretty trees. So I just wanted to show everyone what my house looks like. I've grown up in this house, lived here since before I can remember. We've buried our dog out back, swung on the front porch swing, snuck in my bedroom windows ;), played wiffleball with neighbors, put our handprints in the concrete out front. Just your typical little home. Enjoy it as much as I had while living here. ♥

♥my home♥

Our sweet Missouri home♥

we've been home now, and when I say 'home' I mean good ole Jackson, Missouri. The middle of nowhere, 13,000 people tops, country bumpkin living.....and I LOVE it! We've been here now for 2 days and here is some pictures of all the fun we've been having. Peeps in San Diego enjoy all the pretty FALL leaves, this is what it's suppose to look like ;)

My beautiful wonderful babies

Ty peeing where every little boy should pee




These kids are the cutest I have EVER seen!



climbing up the slide


Ty & Aunt Erinne

This is what I drive back home in Missouri!!!

Ty & Bernie playing with the dinosaur bone

Heck yeah, I'm a miniture version of my daddy

october 7th, 2010

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes.

And prayed to God today.

I asked what makes a mother and

I know I heard him say,

A mother has a baby.

This we know is true.

But God, can you be a mother

When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied

with confidence in His voice.

I give many women babies.

When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime

And others for a day

And some I send to feel your womb

But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this.

God, I want my baby here.

He took a breath and cleared his throat

And than I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you

What your child is doing today.

If you could see your child smile

With other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons

of life, and love, and fear.

My mommy loved me, oh so much,

I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom

Who had so much love for me,

I learned my lesson very quickly.

My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy, oh so much,

But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep,

On her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear,

'Mommy don't be sad today,

I'm your baby and I'm here' "

So you see, my dear sweet one,

Your children are okay,

Your babies are here in MY home

And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with ME

Until your lesson is through.

And on that day that you come home,

They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother-

It's the feeling in your heart.

It's the love you had so much of,

Right from the very start.

-author unknown

I found this poem today and fell in love with it. I cried all the way through it. Tomorrow would have been my first midwife appointment. I should be 11 weeks along. I should be going to this appointment and hearing that little heartbeat for the first time, maybe getting an ultrasound if I was lucky!! But instead I sit here, with an empty womb and a broken heart. I know God has other plans and I am learning to be okay.

"He has torn us, but He will heal us." Hosea 6:1

Heading to Missouri

It's time for another Mamarazzi Monday!!
We are all packed up and ready for our month long trip to Missouri. Excited-yes, anxious-yes, crazy-yes yes yes! Do you ever get those feelings that something is going to go wrong? I have had one all day long. It is driving me crazy. I feel like a loony. It feels as though something heavy is sitting on my chest, hard to breath, sick to my stomach. Something is wrong, something is going to happen...just a bad feeling. I hate those feelings. I'm hoping that it is just nerves about the 4 hour plane ride with 2 children under the age of 3....ugh. anyways on to something more positive. Time for some more pictures!

Jake being silly

Tyler's pumpkin butt

Storie's pumpkin butt.

Tyler painting his pumpkin

and one of my sexy sailor posing for his daddy doll!

Jake left today and I'm missing him like crazy already. blah for these crappy underways. I can't wait for the day where I have him to myself all day & night long! Only another year and a few months!!! Love you & miss you baby.